While you’re out there dodging the salt people are throwing over their left shoulder this Friday the 13th, spare a thought for all the tortoise-shell cats that just wanna feel special. Enjoy your stars and your superstitions.
Aries (21 March-21 April)
When you woke up this morning you thought the compulsion burning in your loins was perhaps a bit of chafing or thrush. As the days rides up with wear, you remember a long-held dream to ‘do the shit that you want and make money from it’. As vision statements go, it’s broad and workable. Go with it Rammy Ram.
Taurus (21 April-20 May)
There are a few problems with baking pie in the sky. The first is relative distance to the Sun (Icarus was no baker). The second is getting up there to eat it. The third is finding friends who believe in your pie enough to risk their lives at your Pie In The Sky High Tea. If anyone can blind bake a dream and make something awesome it’s you Big Bull.
Gemini (21 May-21 June)
Being completely used to friends who can’t keep up is one thing. But when your parent/s wander off with the pixies and forget to adult, it takes you by surprise. But not as surprising as their artfully crafted excuse when they eventually show up. You can’t rely on the previous generation today Gemmy Gem. Repress your Jungian archetypes and make your own plans.
Cancer (22 June-22 July)
You left the window open and objectivity flew out for a night on the sherbets with prejudice and bias. This is bad, the big O is the only thing stopping you from a compulsive expulsion of thoughts. Crazy irrational emotional thoughts that we’re taught to bury deep down in the basement. Tread carefully Courageous Cancer, you’re just one honest tirade away from solitary confinement.
Leo (23 July-23 August)
Other people’s resources seem quite attractive today, and for a brief moment your job trading CryptoKitties seems rock solid. You’ve been watching kitty #1298745 and its value is going up, but then Trump Tweets something half-arsed, the US Senate announces a blockchain inquiry and the arse falls out of your kitty. You got the smarts today Leapin’ Leo, careful where you use them.
Virgo (24 August-23 September)
Obsessed with how your partner/s make/s you feel you start projecting all of your fears onto the other people in your life. Until a glitch in the projector throws the stream back at you and you realise that everyone has the same shit going on. Armed with new awareness you make breakfast for three and hop back into bed. It’s a self development day Very Virgo, and you got this.
Libra (24 September-23 October)
In a fleeting obsession with the self you decide that only a permanent beauty solution will suffice. It is when you arrive at the salon to have your eyebrows tattooed (non-gender specific reference) you realise that making appointments on Messenger is a bad idea. The first clue was when Tiny asked if you wanted flames or a little skull and crossbones at the end of the brow. If it doesn’t feel right today Luscious Libra, cut and run.
Scorpio (24 October-22 November)
An impending threat of loss sounds ominous until you realise it’s just a temporary loss of your mind. While even this sounds bad to most punters, you realise quite quickly the therapeutic benefits of not giving a f*&k. Even for just one day. It’s a rare thing Super Scorp, but go chase some butterflies and talk to some plants.
Sagittarius (23 November-21 December)
There’s tension at home today that even a sporadic dose of charisma can’t smooth over. Your idea for a massive, messy and exciting project is spreading over the entire house. Your shock at the eruption of bad manners from the people you live with only proves to make them angrier. Might be time check with others Saucy Sag before you tie-dye their curtains.
Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
The day starts like any other. You wash your favourite cup, rinse your cereal bowl and place them in exactly the same place on the drainboard as you do every day. But when you come back into the kitchen they’re sitting 2cm to the left. After excluding gravitational pull and tectonic plate shift you remember that you do, indeed, live with other people. Today is a day for inspired connections Billy Goat, go with it.
Aquarius (21 January-18 February)
A quivering sense of self-esteem hovers over a collection of ideas and a relentless need to garden. You start cutting the lavender back and the local bees lose their shit at you. A quick perspective shift finds this to be reasonable bee behaviour so you switch to something else. You achieve nothing and hate yourself for it. Don’t measure your self-worth on the widgets you produce Actual Aquarius.
Pisces (19 February-20 March)
An outrageous but teetering sense of charisma makes everything seem golden today. But a fragile grasp on how to keep the home fires burning leaves the leprechaun out of control and the pixies off to Country Fire Service training. One person’s charisma is another person’s Vegemite. You gotta lay it on thin and choose carefully who you give it to. Have discerning fun with your charm today Little Fish.