Hi everyone, the Moon is in Sagittarius today and it spends some time hanging around with Jupiter (the ruler of Sagittarius). If the Moon and Jupiter were people, they’d be the ones with the most chance of getting seriously loose on a Friday night. Enjoy.
Aries (21 March-21 April)
So you sit through the work meeting/English class/Online Shoppers Anonymous meeting nice and politely just like your mama taught you. And then some idiot has to go a say something idiotic and the contempt bubbles out through your nose. Go on, say your piece Rammy Ram. Holding your tongue will only result in a nasty sprain.
Taurus (21 April-20 May)
The space in between other people’s opinions and your own opens up today, like an abyss (not to be confused with the South Korean body-swapping series of the same name). This abyss is just a massive great gap that opened up when Friend A told you they though killing fur seals seemed reasonable. Breath in Big Bull and stand your ground, you know that shit not right.
Gemini (21 May-21 June)
As your partner sinks into their Jetstar seat right next to you, they know they’re in for an intense session as soon as their buckle goes ‘clip’. Begging for the seatbelt sign to go off won’t help them. Travelling alone? Well, that stranger gonna hear some gospel from you. Right and wrong seem clear today Gemmy Gem. Praise the Lord and bring me a vodka!
Cancer (22 June-22 July)
As you walk past a homeless soul on a bench, you decide you have something to offer. Life feels big and good and you wanna share it around. After 1 large coffee, 1 sandwich, 1 blanket and an earnest outpouring of your kind soul, the homeless person turns out to be a dyslexic architect lost after a big night out. Keep sharing the love Courageous Cancer, the world needs it.
Leo (23 July-23 August)
As you skipped off to work/school/Online Shoppers Anonymous this morning, your mind was swelling with creative money-making ideas. There has to be a way to get rich quick, and there’s plenty of evidence on the socials to say you can (socials=real). Instead you win big on the horses and then blow it all on some magic beans from a shady dude outside Aldi. Set some limits today Leapin’ Leo.
Virgo (24 August-23 September)
Five interior decorating magazines later you settle on a Tadao Ando styled space fill with curved nothings. After you explain to the 5th person about the importance of the void, you give up and call the carpet man. A truckload of fluffy cushions and a fetching shagpile later, you find yourself explaining about the balance of texture. Stop explaining Very Virgo and just do what you want.
Libra (24 September-23 October)
You go with friends to the opening night of IT: Chapter 2, and even though you’re not that fond of horror movies, you tell yourself it’s just a movie. That’s your first mistake. After wetting your pants and sitting on a stranger’s lap in the first 10 minutes, your grip on reality and dark possibility slips down a sinister looking plug hole. Don’t be afraid of the dark side Luscious Libra.
Scorpio (24 October-22 November)
Your grip on PayPal loosens today. Before you even get out of bed, a hand tremor manages to one-click spend $100 on your Amazon Kindle. You mumble that you need a new coffee machine and Alexa has one shipped before your second foot hits the floor. But it’s the drone that delivers a slightly distressed new pet kitty that really gets you thinking about surveillance. Mind control is for the self today Super Scorp.
Sagittarius (23 November-21 December)
Bursting with ridiculous happiness you leap out of bed into whatever outfit the floordrobe offers. Today is the day. For what? If you’re in Adelaide it’s the day to get hailed on. But you don’t care. Good shit is gonna happen, you can feel it in the hail as it bounces off your head. The inside of your glasses are painted gold and that’s all you’re gonna see. Ain’t nothing gonna burst your bubble today Saucy Sag.
Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Cancelled plans and a persistent cough leave you at home alone. Alone. Even the word sounds good doesn’t it? Alone to meditate on the very nature of being alone. Alone to binge watch your shame series, just you and the Netflix algorithm incrementally shaping your solitude. Alone to consider the existential necessity of pants. Enjoy yourself Billy Goat, but keep control of the remote.
Aquarius (21 January-18 February)
Writers gonna write. Weird is gonna weird. And, if you’re lucky, friends are gonna friend. As you tipped your strange self out of bed this morning, the urge to share what you know prompted a breakfast proselytising that sent your housemates scurrying for their AirPods. You need some intellectual lovin’ and sharing opinions dressed up as facts is the only way. Dial down the emotional intensity Actual Aquarius, or you’ll scare them off.
Pisces (19 February-20 March)
A quick ding of the Tibetan singing bowl and you can feel those chakras slip into line. What’s more, it seems that people actually understand what your saying today. Your immediate reaction is to check their ears for Babel Fish, which of course leads to slapping and the calling of police. Nevertheless, the joy at being understood stays with you through questioning down at the station. Speak up Little Fish, today’s the day.